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my pregnancy \ my struggle

my pregnancy \ my struggle

Earlier this summer I was in conversation with my father regarding some incredibly toxic family circumstances that I didn't feel I was in an emotional state to discuss. At the time that we were having this conversation, I was in my first trimester with Tillian after I had two losses just several months earlier. I had also just found out that my husband's father had been diagnosed with a pretty aggressive cancer. 

I requested that my father not continue to discuss these harmful subjects with me by reason of my unstable, emotional state. I'm learning to self advocate for myself (It's a learning process, and spoiler alert: there are growing pains).

He proceeded to send me a text message that would affect my entire pregnancy moving forward. It read:

"Forgive me. Your mom was an iron horse while pregnant, her perceptions and stamina undimmed by either routine cares or the unexpected...and we had plenty of both. I assumed - unfairly - that you might be cut from the same cloth. I'll trouble you no further."

Redeeming love was difficult to express after receiving this message. On top of this, it sent my spiraling thoughts in a million unfavorable directions. Was I going to be strong enough to be a mother? Was I ill fit for this journey that I had so willingly sacrificed so much for? Now, 5 months later, I am sitting in bed with a strong desire to carve my back out of my spine with a chisel because of my burning pain and constant spasms, wondering why I wasn't cut from the same cloth as my mother, and how the hell I'm going to be able to take care of my daughter, when I can't even come home from work at the end of the day without weeping.

Let me tell you: pregnancy is no joke. Motherhood is no joke. And although I sometimes look back on this text message I received, and wonder what the hell I'm doing - I am also forever reminded every time, that every mother was made for this, including myself. Every mother has a slew of "the unexpected," and routine cares look different for every woman, but we find a way to make it out alive, don't we? 

Our bodies are sacred vessels. Our bodies grow living, thriving, humans that we get the privilege to raise and teach and bring up into this world as individuals that will impact lives and form relationships and love. Because we have the privilege to embark on this incredibly difficult and harrowing journey - we are also going to be survivors of immense agony. But, because of this pain, we are also able to experience incredible grace, redeeming love, and the tiny hands that will forever wrap around our hearts and hold us fiercely, forever.

I guess what I'm trying to say in all of this is that yes, pregnancy and motherhood is challenging, and at times heartbreakingly painful. But no matter how our circumstances affect our emotional or physical stability - we are doing the best we can (which is enough by the way). And, there is no one in the world that can take care of your sweet baby better than you.